What’s your experience with a power exchange or D/s dynamic where the main purpose is for keeping on track of your goals?
Obviously there are a ton of different ways to have an accountability buddy, but I would like to hear about people’s experience with it as a dynamic.
I am personally somewhat interested, but my neurospicey has it so that whenever anyone tries to tell me what to do or to keep me on track I suddenly find the task absolutely loathsome. So when my partner (and Dom) and I tried to add this accountability (like them making sure I made doctor appointments, took time for writing, or other things) to our dynamic, I quickly found it too irritating. The idea of it however, still sounds interesting… but maybe just not with a romantic partner???
I would love to hear from those who are also neurospicy or are with someone who is and if they were able to find such a dynamic helpful/ enjoyable.
I haven’t had a relationship specifically with these goals, but I have had plenty of neurospicy BDSM relationships.
I think there would be ways you could spin it to make it more appealing to you, and start with simple tasks and work up to bigger ones.
I would start with thinking about whether having a dom carve you into a person that does tasks they hate because they are ordered to is something that turns you on in the context of those tasks, or else it might muddy the waters of an otherwise successful relationship.
Try and bring in elements of what you like in BDSM, if you like being humiliated your dom could tell you that you didn’t do your task good enough and to do it better, they could withhold rewards until you beg to do more work etc.
Make it routine, you’ll feel more comfortable, the actions will feel more rote, and best done with daily rewards from your dom so you anticipate feeling good after your tasks. Try break up your tasks so they can be done bit by bit every day.
Stick with it even if it sucks for at least a few weeks, or else the patterns won’t stick.
Unrelated question. How do you structure power dynamics with neurospicy partners?
Maybe my issue is that I enjoy playing with the dynamic itself, having been living 24/7 for a long time I feel compelled to relax and reassert power imbalance as a natural part of our relationship, but that contrast seems confusing for my ASD partners. And my most used tool of tying it to contexts or other consistent markers doesn’t seem to work well with the ADD/ADHD, as they seem to not remember/notice the clues the way I’ve come to expect from NTs.
(I, as typical, don’t have any significant issues with other flavors of neurospiciness)
I’m a little stumped for the ASD partners. Should I maybe make a more pronounced transition (like a ritual at start+end), tie it to specific contexts (like at home, or in the bedroom) with exceptions (for sickness and bad days), or do you have any other ideas?
For the ADHD I guess I could probably make the markers more pronounced and establish them with higher levels of dopamine and emotion. And I guess clearer framing (rituals/rules as mentioned above) will also help.
Do you have any suggestions or resources you’d recommend?
Also, we should normalise using Au/DHD for referring to only those sorts of spiciness :p
To make sure I understand what you’re saying: You often do 24/7, but there are times when you want to switch up the dynamic. Such as going from a d/s type situation to a more balanced relationship, or from a relaxed d/s to maybe high protocol. The problem you’re having is communicating the changes in the dynamic.
Going off this understanding of what you said (let me know if I misunderstood), I would suggest something that makes it obvious that a shift in dynamic is happening / that you want it to occur. The most obvious is stating it like “hey I’m going into Dom mode” or something like that. Another thing could be a “code phrase”, like “seems like you need to be put in your place”, but I would suggest especially for your ADHD partner that the phrase doesn’t need to be exact each time, so long as it carries the same meaning or is “close enough”. Something else that I found useful is jewlery/ collars. I don’t generally wear jewelry so a necklace didn’t work for me, but I do occasionally wear bracelets and when my partner and I were up for the dynamic, but maybe I had to work she would have me wear a bracelet (like a day collar). I had two different bracelets one thicker than the other and when we were going to have a more intense day I would wear the thicker bracelet. However, if we were staying home she would ask if I wanted to wear my collar, which was a clear sign that the dynamic was starting. The tighter the collar the more intense or more likely we were to scene. (Obviously never too tight or uncomfortable).
These kinds of things helped show the shift as well as helped form a mindset that may be difficult when going from a relaxed non- dynamic to suddenly scene. It also helped make things clear so that we could both have better context understanding the other’s actions.
- Also I agree about the Au/DHD normalization. I just used neurospicy in the way I call myself Queer instead of going into the more detailed description of identity. My spicy is for sure ADHD, possibly ASD, but also cptsd, anxiety, chronic pain (which effects mood and such), and more. So I didn’t want to limit or suggest people with neurodivergencies outside of ADHD or ASD needed to justify stating their experiences.
It’s a bit tough to have this discussion in such an abstract manner, but a lot of the same day to day rules of engagement for ND partners are also going to apply for kink interactions. I can only speak authoritatively regarding ADHD and what may work for myself.
As OP mentioned in their response to you, a physical reminder that you constantly feel is going to be very important for transitions (I also quite like the idea that tightness is an unspoken indication of expected intensity). Living with ADHD is living without ever having developed object permanence as a child; if something is not directly in front of you or you are not actively being made to think about it, it doesn’t exist and you need to work around that.
Keep instructions shorter and simpler. If you have long term goals, make sure you have some way to break it up over time so that there is clear and visible progress or else you’re setting yourself up for failure. In general, rewards will garner more motivation than punishments so make sure you always know what the carrot on the stick will be before you start a scene.
For ASD I can only speculate, but traditional power dynamics are going to be tough. Unless you know the sub deeply and I intimately you’re going to need to cede more agency in what’s happening to them than you’re probably used to for a scene. It also might seem strange, but stop using subtext - just be clear and say exactly what you want to do. If you want to transition into a scene or for them to perform something, just clearly and explicitly state so. You may also find it helpful to sit down and establish written guidelines and expectations even for more casual play so that they fully know what you expect of them.
Au/DHD is a normalized term already however it refers to someone with both a combination of ASD and ADHD and is not a generalized descriptor.
Love that * stop using subtext*!
Subtext hits differently day to day. Like what might seem coy or domineering (in a good way), may seem obtuse or bullying the next. Many people with ADHD struggle with Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD) and if it’s particularly nasty one day it can negativity color all interactions.
So what can also be helpful are reassurances to both top and bottom. “Yes, I love you and your authority, I’m just being a brat.” Or “No, you aren’t annoying me and I’m not actually upset/ disappointed, I’m just emphasizing my authority.”
I don’t know that I would go so far as to say constant reassurance is necessary as a general ADHD rule. For example with myself, if I receive unnecessary reassurance I’ll interpret it as patronizing and insincere, push back, and anxiety spiral. Everyone is different though and in the usual BDSM mantra, communication is the key element.
Thanks for the thought out reply! Bringing in elements that I like is a good idea… have to think critically about that one for what can fit.
Making things routine… well that’s the hard part. I’m not good at getting into routines and sticking to them is also tricky.
I haven’t quite cracked this, partly because the things I find crazy hot to think about (in terms of nonsexual control) align too well with my unhealthy tendencies, if that makes sense. Like someone not letting me eat? Hot. Someone keeping track of my workout schedule? Hot. Someone not letting me have something unless I ask for it in another language? Mmm. Someone making me eat? Eeeew. It’s almost like I want to be forced to go back to disordered eating so that I don’t have to feel any responsibility for it and understand that is not something safe for me to play with.
Uninterested technology might be a better accountability partner. Or maybe a more positive dynamic where you decide to do these things (doctor appointments, writing) and are rewarded for taking the initiative yourself, not reminded or punished?
What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I find the line between self harm/ harmful practices and what’s acceptable can get somewhat blurry. Some of it seems like social norms that people have accepted without much critical thought. I know people who like to be beat to the point of crying, not because of any sexual or otherwise euphoric release, but because it feels cathartic and it helps them cry. Which probably isn’t too uncommon, but if someone were to inflict the same pain upon themselves (and let’s say they were careful about their limits and lasting damag), it would likely be considered concerning. Knife play fun, cutting bad.
It’s easy to spot the black and white cases of what’s safe and what isn’t, but sometimes the middle can get muddled… and likely better left to be determined by the individual.
The positive reinforcement thing could work if left to someone else. I get way too good at rationalizing why waiting for the reward is pointless, lol.