Jenny to Ask BDSM - Questions, answers, and thoughtful discussion@lemmynsfw.comEnglish · 9 months ago
Jenny to Ask BDSM - Questions, answers, and thoughtful discussion@lemmynsfw.comEnglish · 9 months ago
So, just some background. I wasn’t spanked by my parents. Or really at all when I was a kid. But I have had relationships where spanking was part of it. One, a guy who was super sweet and just spanked me during sex and to initiate. Another guy who spanked during BDSM play but never outside playtime. His spankings were harder than the first guy and it would sting and leave me red and hot.
But then I met a woman. She was a Domme and we got into a serious D/s relationship dynamic where it was always on. And it was the most intense thing. I loved it. Was always in subspace with her. But her spankings! I both loved and hated them. She did not let up. Like, I always thought it was the men who did that?
Covid times ruined it. I miss her so much. But I also wonder if her punishments crossed the line. And yet sometimes I miss the structure? Knowing that if I fucked up there would be real consequences. It kept me in line. And I do think I benefited from being with her.
I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s all so confusing.
Was it abuse? If so, why do I miss her so much? And why do I want that back? Even though sometimes it really hurt.
Help?
We exchanged comments earlier in another community, so I recognize you. Anyway, I’m a Domme, so I definitely have a perspective here. But one thing I’ll say is, when you moved in I’m unsure from your story if she had made her rules clear. Was there a contract beforehand? Or did the rules and punishments creep up?
The age difference doesn’t bother me. You were both adults. Did you finish school?
Hi! I remember you!
Did I mention she is a lawyer? 😆 So yeah, there was a detailed contract. Like, 13 pages of definitions, rules, and stipulations. Things like no lying, being respectful, some private sexual things, and keeping up my grades and job.
She gave it to me before I moved in with a red pen. Then I had a week to read and mark it up. There was a long discussion. So yeah, we negotiated for real. I should have mentioned that. So I knew upfront what I was getting myself into. She even showed me the belt, which hung on the wall in our walk in. Inconspicuous but I knew what it was for. So yes. I was informed before I signed.
And yes! I got my Masters and now work for a hospital. No more making lattes. Thanks!
It sounds like with that contract and negotiations it means you engaged in this type of relationship with full consent. I don’t really see a problem here. I understand as a Domme people might think I would lean toward accepting such relationships, but other people are saying similar things too. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
One thing I’ll say, a properly used belt is a very effective means of correction. I’m sure you fully learned those lessons. Would you do it again? Are you on the fence? Or never again and just reminiscing?
Yeah. So, the guy I’m with right now, no. He’s a vanilla cream puff. Sweetest man and a total goofball, but he wouldn’t know where to begin. We met at the dog park and I thought maybe I grew up and that part of my life was over. But I keep having fantasies. Seeking out porn. It’s like, something inside.
Would I? With a person I trusted, maybe. She was in total control. I mean of herself. I was just in awe of the way she organized everything. And when she spanked, it was even. She knew exactly how hard, she never lost control. And it was that way in her life too.
So I guess if I could find someone that amazing again, yeah. But no way would I let just anyone do that. I want it, but it scares me too.
I’ll just say, I was married 14 years to a nice guy. Good job. Responsible. But vanilla. And I missed it the entire time. Got two wonderful kids out of the bargain. But I’m much happier on my own now.
This is not advice. You do your life. Just saying about mine.
I hear ya.