So, just some background. I wasn’t spanked by my parents. Or really at all when I was a kid. But I have had relationships where spanking was part of it. One, a guy who was super sweet and just spanked me during sex and to initiate. Another guy who spanked during BDSM play but never outside playtime. His spankings were harder than the first guy and it would sting and leave me red and hot.

But then I met a woman. She was a Domme and we got into a serious D/s relationship dynamic where it was always on. And it was the most intense thing. I loved it. Was always in subspace with her. But her spankings! I both loved and hated them. She did not let up. Like, I always thought it was the men who did that?

Covid times ruined it. I miss her so much. But I also wonder if her punishments crossed the line. And yet sometimes I miss the structure? Knowing that if I fucked up there would be real consequences. It kept me in line. And I do think I benefited from being with her.

I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s all so confusing.

Was it abuse? If so, why do I miss her so much? And why do I want that back? Even though sometimes it really hurt.

Help?