Westminster Magistrates Court heard that 30-year-old Paolo Bollag stripped off in central London’s Kensington Gardens last April and indulged in a series of lewd acts.
Bollag, from west London, denied a charge of outraging public decency, and opted for a crown court trial. He was bailed on the condition that he does not enter the park again before it begins.
Magistrates heard Bollag had been pleasuring himself before ‘thrusting’ into an unspecified tree in the park, which it situated next to Kensington Palace.
The court further heard that the investment manager, whose LinkedIn profile says works at Oakley Capital, rammed soil into his underwear and rubbed his crotch.
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Come on, trees… are just sexy. Who hasn’t made sweet love to a stately oak, or shady elm, or wept with joy while wooing a willow? And don’t get me started about cedar with her lovely perfume that makes you want to seed her.
But pines are straight out! Good luck getting the resin out of your pubes!
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
Oh it’s you bb