My coworker and I were scheduled to do an international trip. I just got to the new country and checked Slack. My coworker messaged me halfway through my flight informing me that their fiance has committed suicide.
I struggled/struggle with these things myself, but I’ve found the support (and medication) to find balance or something close to it.
This news came as a shock to me. He just merged his family with his fiance’s. So now he has 4 children (I believe 2 or 3 of which are not biologically his).
I sent him a terse but kindly worded message, but we aren’t that close. I’ve never met him in person. This was going to be our first meeting and he was largely responsible for guiding the meetings with our customers.
So I guess I just feel a bit like a fish out of water. I don’t know how to support him or what I should do. I want him to just forget about work which is why I hesitated to message him at all. But I didn’t want him to think I was incapable of doing this myself. Hence the short message in reply (which included me telling him I have it covered and take all the time he needs).
Foreign travel is hard enough when I have someone else with me. I’ve never driven in this country nor do I speak the language. I’m just a little flustered. I figured venting here might help me reorient myself. I don’t want this to “be about me”, but I also have no clue what’s going to happen. I’m not useless, but I’m also hardly a driver of million dollar contracts. I’m more like the “software guy” that helps make these contracts a deliverable. I guess I’ll just figure out driving and I’ll wing it with the customer engagement. Intimidating to spend 3-4 days with just me and a bunch of clients trying to figure out the future of this project.
Nonetheless, I also feel a lot of emotions about suicide hitting a colleague of mine. He’s a very kind hearted man. He’s a big strong guy with a soft heart. Just 3 years ago, I could have put my own fiancee in the same situation. It’s stirring up quite a lot of emotions.
Since I don’t have a therapist right now, I just sought out Lemmy/social media instead. I hesitate to drop this news on my wife because she has a hard enough time dealing with this kind of stuff as it is (especially with my previous history). I usually would talk with her about it but I don’t even know what I’d be looking for: comfort, encouragement, advice? Feels sort of selfish. On an anonymous platform, I feel a bit less bad about it.
Edit: thanks everyone for the advice and the space to vent. I got a car and spoke with the customers to plan for the next week. It’s still very much a “wing it” approach, but at least I know where to be and how to get there. I spent Sunday going on touristy things. Going alone feels a bit awkward - especially with language barriers. But it wasn’t too bad. My coworker - I hope - is taking this week off (at least) to sort it all out. It’s unclear what he’ll be doing but a couple of his closer colleagues reached out to him and offered to drive 6 hours to his home to support. So I think he has more than the typical “corporate support”. I’ll check in on him when this trip is over to tell him it went well. Doesn’t really matter if it did or didn’t. I just want him to not stress about it and feel responsible for this in any way. At this point, my own little shock and fear has passed. I’m ready for the week. I can’t imagine what he must be going through.
Your response to this situation is perfectly normal. Things I would recommend:
Please at least mention it to your wife and mention that at minimum it is “affecting you emotionally.” It is not fair to her for you to return and be so worked up and not have an explanation.
Clients are understanding if they have an explanation. I would say something along the lines of “my coworker has a personal issue to attend to.” And a lot of times that is enough.
Though it is hard to deal with, remember that you are still here and made it past that time before. Though this sort of thought line is always a struggle, it is possible to push through no matter how difficult it may seem. What you said to your coworker is likely sufficient for now. Perhaps a reminder message saying something like “hope you are still doing ok” or “don’t push yourself to come back too hard, take time to work through things” would be appropriate on rare occasion until they return to the project.
These things are tough for everyone and nobody deals with it the same way. Since you don’t have access to your therapist, perhaps finding an outlet like journaling might help you work through your side of things even if you do so temporarily.
You will make it through despite it being harder than expected on your side of things. Always remember you can only control yourself and there is only so much you can do. Don’t stress yourself out too much when you have already taken steps to show that you care.
Thanks! Yeah I appreciate the response. I think just talking through it here was a form of journaling. I’m feeling a bit more composed.
I’ll be reaching out to my wife when she wakes up back at home. She’s definitely my rock so it’s a good idea!