I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.
I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.
I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.
At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.
If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.
But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.
Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.
I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.
I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.
I recognize that! I wonder how long you’ve been in this headspace? Definitely cynical loop as someone else said. That edge isn’t you it’s your state of mind that you might be stuck in.
When I’m in the red zone I’m irritable, and my values are to be honest so I tend not to be a people pleaser by default. I wonder if you being a persistent people pleaser is a symptom of you being depressed rather than the fixed trait you might think of it is as. Self destructive behaviour like that can manifest from low mood states.
Oh man, I posted this so long ago, and I wish I could say things have improved, but they’re so much worse now. I was spiralling and made some really dumb decisions that have since cost me:
Right now I’m genuinely waiting to die. I’m still too much of a coward to do anything myself but there is nothing left to fight for. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I’m beyond tired. I don’t even feel the pain anymore. I’m completely numb. Some people are simply too weak or broken to live, let alone to thrive. I feel sorry for stealing oxygen from more evolved and worthy creatures like, I dunno, gnats or earthworms.